Sundog โ€“noun 1. parhelion. 2. a small or incomplete rainbow.

Tides of the Storm

Approaching Storm by Nuno Milheiro

Crashing is synonymous with CFS, a state of bodily destruction for which you often do not know the cause but that can come upon you with little regard for what you might have planned in life.

Pulled under by the unrelenting tide of another crash, it is hard not to at times feel suffocated by the merciless pressure exerted against my fragile body.

Time crawls by while still I tumble about in this ocean of madness for how could an illness such as this be anything sane.

Day blends into day as time passes along without me. Now and then I come up for air, the gasping of breath painful in my ears before I feel the tug of the tide pulling me down once more.

This limbo of increased pain, fatigue so great I feel hardly able to sit to eat most meals, and incredible cloudiness to my thoughts all blend into a background mosaic upon which is seen the anguish of my homelessness in sharp relief.

Life passes on, the tide rolls in and with it I am consumed once more.

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9 responses

  1. Wonderfully said, Lisa. So sorry you are not doing well. I’m right there with you, and know how hard it is. Hang in there!

    November 18, 2009 at 6:41 am

  2. Look, over near the lightning … is that a helicopter headed your way … ?

    November 20, 2009 at 10:19 pm

  3. Thanks for leaving comments my friends. ๐Ÿ™‚

    November 22, 2009 at 11:32 am

  4. PenguinThief

    Sorry you’ve been under the weather, but that is a beautiful picture you found/chose/have there.

    November 24, 2009 at 9:10 pm

  5. Thanks Grant. It really grabbed me when I found it.

    November 24, 2009 at 9:25 pm

  6. Dan

    Why didn’t I know about your blog earlier? This is BEAUTIFUL Lisa…so powerful, and so poetic at the same time.

    Just beautiful…

    I’m so fortunate to have bumped into you on Cort’s blog. Hopefully some day I’ll have the privilege of meeting you and Jeremy.

    My best to you both,

    Dan

    December 2, 2009 at 10:51 am

    • Hi Dan! ๐Ÿ™‚

      Thank you for the wonderful comment. I’m glad you came around.

      Big hug,
      Lisa

      December 2, 2009 at 10:28 pm

  7. Steve

    Your blog has brought back so many memories of the years I spent in a similar situation after coming down with CFS while living in Central America over twenty years ago.

    I believe my sickness at that time was triggered by a load of innovulations, a severe fungal and candida infection, a raw vegetarian diet and intestinal parasites, all at the same time.

    Although I could barely walk, couldn’t work and wasn’t digesting even raw vegetables, and eventually lost 25 lbs off a thin frame, doctors told me there was nothing wrong with me and it was all in my head.

    Being single, in my twenties, separated from my family and no support network, I spent the next four years never paying rent, living in my car, a tent and sometimes sharing space with others for short periods of time.

    It eventually got so bad that I decided to stop eating for awhile since I wasn’t getting any energy from the food anyway. For almost 4 weeks I drank only clear liquids, water and jiuce and slept in a camper on a farm of someone I met along the way.

    Since I was already so thin, I didn’t really lose that much weight (at least that’s how I remember it), but by the end of that period, I began to think more clearly and began to feel better than I had in a long time.

    As a result, I threw away my new age diet and began a more mainstream, but still healthy diet, and began to gain weight and strength. I even got a job and rented a room with a bed and use of a kitchen. Big change.

    Believe me this wasn’t how I was raised. I grew up in California and went to high school in Newport Beach, and spent summers surfing and sailing. This CFS can really take away one’s ability to lead a normal life.

    For the next twenty-five years I lived a normal life finishing college, getting a job, getting married, saving money. I struggled with health problems, but nothing I couldn’t handle.

    I found your blog and I’m writing today because recently my health has really taken a nose dive and I’ve been looking for answers. I realize I’ve developed CFS again and started doing some research looking for solutions.

    You see, for the past twenty-five years I swore never to travel to third world countries again, thinking that was the cause of my problem. Well, I followed that until two years ago when I took a three-week, four-country coffee buying trip to East Africa.

    In my fear of getting sick I got at whole slew of vaccinations prior to going. In less than two months after returning, I got very sick and began to have similar symptoms of CFS as I had struggled with years before.

    It’s been two years now and I’ve been gradually getting worse, and a few months ago saw a health advisor who found out that I have Candida and parasites, and an underperforming liver and adrenals.

    My mind is in a fog most of the time, I can’t think clearly enough to get much work done and I don’t have the energy to do much of anything normal. I avoid interacting with people most of the time. I avoid relationships. I avoid going out, except when I have to. And, it’s getting worse.

    I’ve been tryng to start a business but really I’ve been unemployable and am running out of my life savings. All this while raising a ten year old son by myself.

    There is no way I can go on a four week fast again, as I’m not in my twenties any more, I have too may responsibilities and don’t have a year or two to recuperate in order to begin making a living.

    Have you found no cures to this or hope of getting better?

    Thanks for listening.

    December 5, 2009 at 3:12 pm

    • Hi Steve. ๐Ÿ™‚

      That is a very interesting story you shared and thank you very much for posting! I think you might really find some useful information at the phoenix forums here:
      http://forums.aboutmecfs.org/index.php

      You might copy/paste your story here and make a post in the Introduce Yourself topic area at the top of the forums. There are a lot of very nice people there who have a lot of information. You will likely find it useful to also browse around, take your time though because there is a lot to see. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Interestingly, I just read a post someone made over there this morning saying she feels the best when she doesn’t eat all day. It made me think of what you wrote here. ๐Ÿ™‚

      At a guess, those inoculations you had would have been full of mercury from the preservative Thimerosol and I know in mine and Jeremy’s case mercury is starting to look like a very evil culprit in keeping us as ill as we are. But in all things, the main point I keep running across is that CFS is usually triggered by the straw that broke the camel’s back so to speak and those inoculations could have just been one thing too much to tip the scales again.

      Sounding like some of CFS could be the XMRV stuff but its too early to really know much about that. Other stuff sounds like some people are genetically more predisposed to having these sorts of problems. One gene is missing or wonky and then the 21st century holds too many pitfalls that allow these wonky genes to cause our bodies to start having trouble. Read a very good example of this.

      Imagine something in you must function as a multi-lane interstate. Some people have eight lanes, others only two. If you got stuck with the two lanes and something in your life causes a traffic jam shutting down one lane, its going to cause a lot more problems for you with only two lanes than someone with eight. But then that would be Darwin’s Law and we just got the short straw and bum genes. >.<

      I'll keep an eye out for you there at the forums in case you decide to post. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Oh! And a good doctor is always a big boon in things like this. People at the forums can also help out with that sometimes, depends on where in the world you live. ๐Ÿ™‚ I love my doctor but he's near Seattle, Wa. I have heard a lot of people have some success with naturopaths when there isn't a good CFS specialist near them, and not all CFS specialists are good unfortunately.

      I hope I've given you some help here today. It is such a hard road, I'm sorry to hear you are back on it again.

      Best of luck and have a beautiful day,
      Lisa

      December 7, 2009 at 1:11 pm

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