Sundog –noun 1. parhelion. 2. a small or incomplete rainbow.

Frustration to Beauty

For the last six months, I’ve been doing my best to relearn all the math I once knew, but lost to 20 years of disuse. Twenty years is a long time, especially as my brain atrophied while living in the tent just as surely as my body noticeably did.

I have deadlines I must meet for some of this math. Two of the classes I want to take this August require I pass proficiency tests before I can register. Chemistry only requires I know algebra, but calculus requires a knowledge of trigonometry as well. It’s been rather frustrating to have this roadblock before me. The sheer volume of past college credits I bring with me to this school means I have to pay over $1000 more each semester for my classes – yet the credits do nothing to meet any of my requirements because they are over 10 years old. Seems a harsh welcome back to college after all these years.

Therefore, I do what I must to try and relearn the math as quickly as possible. My hope is to pass the placement tests in time to register for my preferred class times – or even to get the class at all. It’s a very real possibility that chemistry or calculus could become completely full, with wait-listed students ahead of me, by the time I can register.

What does this mean? If I don’t take calculus this August, then I must wait another full year before joining the mechanical engineering degree program. I already feel on the old side of going back to college for a potentially 5 year degree. To add on a sixth year is a hard concept to contemplate and so I push myself very hard to complete my math studies.

Yet, I struggle.

I recently completed intermediate algebra and it actually went pretty easy once I was able to focus and commit to regular study hours. I’d struggled the first few months of this year with it, largely because I was undergoing a lot of mental and emotional healing from scars left long ago. The healing process took almost all of my time and left me exhausted, too tired to focus on mathematical concepts. I felt the weeks passing by, only a bit of math done here and there; my time before CSU in August growing shorter.

As I said, finally I am done with that – only to be faced with college algebra and trigonometry still to be learned. These are proving to be more of a struggle to learn on my own, hard concepts without the aid of someone to help explain small details I do not inherently understand. Its so frustrating to do this on my own. Without a doubt, I could easily ace these topics if I were part of a formal class. I just can’t afford the tuition for summer school and financial aid for college will begin in August.

It’s also frustrating because we were told, repeatedly, that there would be no wait-list at Vocational Rehabilitation and that they would be able to help with retraining costs to a new college degree. I’ve now been on their wait-list since September 2013 and have no idea when I will finally receive their aid. Were I off the wait-list and fully in their program, then it is likely they would pay for these summer courses I need.

It’s all just so frustrating. I’ve said that word many times here, but it is true in so many ways. It is hard to have your life taken from you by a series of mishaps, overcome the challenges of long term chronic illness, only to be met by more roadblocks when trying to rebuild your life again.

Then last night a new thought occurred to me.

In winter of 2010 and spring of 2011, I honestly began to question how I would survive another winter spent living in our tent. It was a terrible time, my health was horribly low, and though I still had the fight in me to keep living, my body had become very weak – perhaps too weak to handle the rigors of a Washington winter. Every year I would come out of the previous winter happy to have made it through, yet already dreading the return of winter in six months time. That last winter was different though, there was a lot more snow and freezing temperatures. As well, living outdoors was taking a serious toll on us by then and the thought of another winter began to look rather grim.

It was in that moment of time when life miraculously shifted and within six weeks we found ourselves in Hawaii. Six weeks from wondering if we’d even live another year to instead living the next two years on a tropical island. Simply incredible.

Last night I was lying in bed, my head resting on Jeremy’s belly and the dog’s head resting on mine. I found myself enjoying the moment of peace and wellness life had brought me and reflecting on the differences between this life and the one I had in the tent. In that moment, I also found myself realizing that I have all the time in the world left to me because only three years ago I thought I had no time left at all. Every moment I have now is an amazing gift.

Why am I so worried about this math stuff? I’m worried because it will take me another year of college if I don’t teach myself trigonometry this summer. Yet, that extra year is a year I very nearly didn’t have. I now have to ask myself – is spending this next year enjoying life, enjoying my hard earned health, and savoring my return to college really that bad, even if it becomes an extra year of school?

I think not.

I’ll still try hard to finish my math studies and take calculus this August. I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t work hard towards difficult goals – it seems to be what I do in life. However, I hope to keep this new sense of perspective. Every day is a gift I created from the darkness my life had become.

Every day I am living a life I would have considered the best dream in the world just a few, short years ago. Every day I want to remember that I should stop and enjoy this journey, no matter how long it takes me to get there, because its amazing I was even able to find this road to walk.

This is a beautiful road.

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5 responses

  1. It is good to know the peace perspective brings! Your walk is an inspiration, keep stepping out! 🙂

    May 21, 2014 at 7:46 am

    • Thanks, Peggy Sue! Big Hugs!

      May 22, 2014 at 7:56 pm

  2. I think anyone would struggle to come to terms with goals and challenges in your situation Lisa. It’s important to keep focused and positive. Its crucial to keep everything in perspective…….and its also time to be thankful for what one has.

    Instead of looking too far forward to how many years it will take to finish your eduction, just take baby steps and think about the immediate future. It won’t be so overwhelming.

    Concentrate on the small achievable goals and keep ‘plan B’ in mind. Always have a ‘plan B’ (and C if necessary).

    And if you can’t get all the algebra and trigonometry learned in time, gently let go of the 2014 goal and be thankful for the extra time it might give you to be well and truly up to date on the course prerequisites for 2015.

    Don’t put too much pressure on yourself.

    You are only human. You’ve come a long way in the last couple of years and it’s important to recognise that and always keep that progress as a self inspiration and guide.

    Vicki
    xx

    May 21, 2014 at 4:34 pm

    • Very true, Vicki! 🙂 An incredibly long way indeed. 🙂 Big hugs!

      May 22, 2014 at 7:57 pm

  3. This post was the best gift I could’ve had right now. Been struggling so hard, feeling none of my hard work ever makes a difference, so completely worn out, losing drive. But after reading this post and looking further back into my own life I see that I too am living days I could not have imagined back then. These pauses/breaks in pain that get longer and are sometimes switched out by true inspiration, well that is something I could not ever have imagined for my depressive self many years ago. And I wouldn’t have remembered to look back to the right time/right comparison had I not read this. Thank you! May peace become more and more deeply entrenched into your constant being 🙂

    July 5, 2014 at 8:19 pm

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