I’ve been delaying posting this until things were in the process of becoming legal – Jeremy and I are fully changing both of our names! Not a post I thought I’d be writing when I started this blog nearly 5 years ago… wait, 5 years? Wow!
I’ve shared so much of my life here. The struggles we had living in the tent and trying to get well, but only getting sicker. The fantastic journey to Hawaii where everything changed and healing became part of our lives once more. Then now, this journey leading me back to college and a future that is opening more for me every day.
Changing our names is a pretty big thing for us. Those of you who have read through this blog know things were rarely easy while we struggled to find healing in that tent. Though this blog starts in 2009, that struggle actually began in 2001. It’s been a very long and hard road to get to the point we are at now.
Along the way, I found it interesting that the only time in my life I ever began identifying with the name “Lisa” was in the deepest and darkest part of my life story. Somehow, through all the pretty lousy stuff in my childhood (of which I’ve rarely said much, but trust me, it was not good) the name “Lisa” came to mean pain, unhappiness, sickness, and life being upside down with no easy way to right it.
As one might imagine, while my healing has been progressing these last couple of years, I’ve felt rather distanced from the name of “Lisa.” I’m just not that girl anymore for whom normal is sadness and believing that life beats up on you, never feeling like I can succeed because that only allows in more pain when you fail.
I’m on my way to being happy, truly happy and being able to feel it. Starting to believe that life isn’t only ever going to tear me down, but that instead I can trust in the foundation I’m building on to hold me secure while I build to greater heights.
It’s scary, very scary. Everything is new and different – I’m new and different.
Hence, the new name. Something that is more the me who I’m becoming and want to be in life, rather than a name that is connected to so much pain in the past. As for Jeremy changing his name too? We’ll, that’s his story to tell, but it’s much the same – just as our last names are changing to be the same too.
Who will I be? It was a hard choice, I mean – how often do you really stop to think about what name suits you best? After settling on something I liked very much, then came the trial period where I had to try on the name, much like a new set of clothes, and see how it fit. My first try at a name fit me very well – too well. I found it highly uncomfortable when people would mispronounce it or worse yet they’d make fun of it. Since the name was so close to my heart I had no armor to protect me from their words. A new name had to be found, but I already had a nickname I liked and wanted to keep.
I’ve decided to go with Catrin, but you can all call me Cat. Yesterday, someone didn’t hear me right when I said my name was Catrin and understandably they thought I’d said Cathrine. I found that I didn’t mind it so much and easy enough to tell them to just keep on calling me Cat. It also seems to help that Cat is so easy to see where it comes from with the name Catrin.
What happened to the first name I liked so much? Well, I’ve decided to keep that one too – but I’m putting it in the middle where it can be a bit more protected from the world and the evils of telemarketers who find your phone number.
Jeremy has been a different story. He simply asked me one night for interesting names starting with “Z” and when I mentioned Zain, he knew that was for him. Same with his middle name, I just tossed something out and he loved it so much he’s kept it.
We’ve filed with the county courts and are in the middle of making everything legal. Within a few weeks we should legally be Catrin and Zain and can start the task of changing our names everywhere – and I do mean everywhere. It’s a little daunting, but also exciting and fun. Think for a moment of everyone and everyplace you interact with at least once a year and that will be the list we use to change over our life to new names. Phew, it’s a big list!
Our dog Falkor, well he’ll be staying Falkor. So I guess not everything’s changing around here!
I have enjoyed this chakra meditation video very much over the last few months. It has a nice grounding effect and is quite relaxing.
Each day Jeremy and I do some combination of between 2-4 meditations spread throughout the day. It is part of the Gupta Amygdala Retraining Technique we have been doing and it helps immensely. Though the program starts you off with guided meditations of their own and cd’s to help you get started, we’ve taken it beyond those to now encompassing other meditation styles too.
Sometimes we skip the afternoon meditation in favor of a walk in the park or around our semi-rural neighborhood. This also seems just as relaxing and really depends on the day as to which we do.
Over the last several months of this program I have had a lot of time to think. Originally I was unsure as to when I would share with my reading community that I was doing the Gupta program, as it is a bit alternative and honestly, I wasn’t ready to face people judging me or how I choose to heal myself. Sad that even with all I’ve been through from these illnesses, there are those people out there who will harshly judge anyone who dares to break their own boundaries by becoming well.
Unfortunately, I did indeed face some negative criticism and a fair bit of what I felt to be an irrational anger towards me for not sharing on my blog all the intimate and private details of my life. As though somehow by denying this person those details, I am not only standing in the way of their own healing, but outright doing them harm.
I hate to admit it, but even despite finding their position to have been in the minority it did take away some of my enthusiasm for sharing this healing journey with you, my readers and friends. At this same time in life, I found myself to be going into a bit of a downturn in health because of our cat, Tashi, waking us multiple times a night and causing enormous difficulties. I love that cat, but she knocked down a considerable part of my health for the better part of four full months. All in all, as you may have noticed, I haven’t been posting very much for sometime now.
But that’s about to change… just not here.
Now I’m bouncing back quickly, more quickly than I had even dared to hope! With this gigantic boost in health is also the same boost in motivation to get a move on life. Jeremy and I are going to see about moving to Colorado, sooner rather than later, and start the process of getting back to school through the work training programs available to us.
Jeremy and I started a new blog for us to share, A Thousand Miles, where we will detail out more of our adventures while trying to find enough money to make the move. Being on Social Security Disability and food stamps doesn’t leave much money to try and save up for a big expense, and being on an island means big expense if you want to move off it. Plane fare alone starts around $1200! If we actually want to take with us anything besides carry-on luggage, such as shipping our computers to Colorado or blankets, well the costs skyrocket.
Life is full of challenges and as any who’ve read my blog here for very long knows, we take each challenge and overcome them. It’s all just a matter of time.
Have you ever been to a nude beach? I went to my first one today!
Little Beach is part of the Makena State Park and known for being clothing optional, as well as it’s Sunday night drum parties. It’s a very nice little cove at the end of a quarter mile hike. The snorkeling wasn’t spectacular, however we saw some fish we’ve never seen before – including a small school of fish probably each the size of a large dog. As well, several sea turtles made the whole trip very worthwhile.
Yet, we didn’t go to Little Beach for the snorkeling – we went for the whales. Humpback whales migrate here each winter from December through April. According to my research, Little Beach would be just about the best place from shore to watch them passing by. Shortly after we arrived we were greeted with an amazing site. Two adult humpback whales only a few hundred feet off the shore, swimming along and doing their own thing. Though we didn’t see much more than their back spines each time they came to the surface, it was a fantastic site that brought tears to my eyes.
I mean, how fantastic is it to have seen something like that so close in the wild?
I wasn’t on a boat with dozens of other tourists or some other modern means to be out on the water with them. No, I was just standing on the shore of a beach I’d hiked out to and seeing them as I am, a human on land, and as they are, majestic beauty in the ocean. Absolutely one of the most amazing things I’ve seen in my life.
This isn’t the first time I’ve seen whales, not even here on Maui – just something about them being so close I felt like I could nearly touch them… wonderful.
Have you ever wondered what whale songs are like in the wild?
Sometimes when you snorkel here during the winter you can hear them signing to each other underwater. This is the second time I’ve been lucky to hear them. Today they were loud enough to be easily heard, even over the white noise of the choppy waves we were snorkeling in. It was very magical, especially the times when we’d find a turtle to swim with. Whales whistling and calling to one another, following a sea turtle as it wandered the reef, scores of brightly colored fish swimming below us – I’ll always remember this.
I found myself at one point being struck by how diametrically different my life is now compared to March in Washington while living in a tent. Almost every year the last snow of the season would be sometime in the next two weeks. We’d be completely and totally exhausted from surviving another freezing and snowy winter only to look forward to a ridiculous amount of rain for the next two months, praying this summer would be warm and sunny. Often times it would be a wet summer too with nary a good, hot day to burn off winter’s chill before turning into Autumn and starting the cycle all over.
Instead, here I was snorkeling nude in the ocean, warm sunshine on my backside, while swimming with whales and turtles!
If life can change so dramatically for me in such a short period of time, just think of what else I can do. I am getting healthy again, there is no doubt about that, and sometimes like today I can really feel just how possible it is to change my situation for the better. It has taken an enormous amount of hard work and tenacity, but just look at where I am now!
I used to feel like I could inspire others to follow their dreams, grow as individuals, and reach places they thought were too distant – but sadly, I couldn’t do that for myself. Now I look at how life has changed me…I can be my own inspiration and reach my own dreams.
If I were to be able to speak to the illness that has stolen so many years of my life, I would have to quote one of my favorite movies – “Through dangers untold and hardships unnumbered, I have fought my way here to the castle beyond the Goblin City to take back the (life) that you have stolen, for my will is as strong as yours, and my kingdom as great — You have no power over me.”
It seems I have finally accomplished another dream today. For the last year I have wanted to open my own etsy store just as Jeremy had done for his steampunk jewelry business. I’ve seen him excitedly checking his email and finding that he’s sold something, it looked like a lot of fun! Problem was, I didn’t know what I wanted to sell…
Then last March I bought a nice DSLR camera and started taking pictures. It seemed pretty obvious what type of etsy store I would be opening up, it was now just a matter of time. In less than a week we found out had to move out of our apartment and the rental search began. As mentioned in previous posts, life with moderate MCS can be difficult – having to find safe housing that didn’t make us ill only made this more so.
As the months went by and we still were unsuccessful at our rental search, my ability for photography greatly declined as every bit of energy went into finding us a safe place to live. I would take my camera out for a trip perhaps once or twice a month, but anything more was beyond my physical abilities.
Then we moved! This is a wonderful apartment we have lived in these past 3 months and I often find myself thinking about how much I love it here. My energy came up a bit and again I began my day dreams of an etsy store of my own.
My last post told of winning a prize in a photography contest, it was the first step I took towards my store. Before preparing that photo for the contest, I still hadn’t readied a single photograph for printing. Many show how much I have left to learn about controlling my camera and setting up the shot – which means most photos need a lot of post processing work in Lightroom. However I didn’t let this deter me from my goal of starting up a store, just means I have opened it with less photographs than I had originally planned.
Which brings me to my grand opening of UNTAMED Photography! 😀
I hope to add to my store over the next few weeks and am very happy to have finally gotten through the steep learning curve to finish opening today. I hope you all enjoy the couple of pictures I have put up there already and I will be writing about new ones as they are listed.
Yesterday was a small, but enjoyable adventure at the Maui County Fair. When I saw the tents and rides last year I remember thinking – hmm, maybe next year… turns out it was! While not a very big fair, nor a very interesting one, it did hold one thing no other fair had for me in the past – a photo contest I had entered.
I found out about the contest four weeks before the deadline for entry. After our arduous rental search, my photography had found itself pushed to the wayside these last few months and so I was unsure I even had a photo to submit to the contest. Luckily I had a couple promising shots taken earlier this year and so starting editing from scratch with learning how to use Adobe Lightroom, I began my journey.
There were many problems which cropped up over the next few weeks, some no doubt due to my inexperience with photo editing and matting, but many due to the printshop themselves – leading me to resolve never to use them again. In the end, I had two submissions ready for the contest and entered them on in the ‘open’ division on the last possible day; one for the color category and one in the black and white. All along I kept telling myself and others that I was only entering them so I could see them hanging finished on the wall at the fair – not to win. No, that would be silly to enter to win a prize since I’d only just picked up photography again, it’s my first contest, heck – it’s even the first 2 pictures I have finished printed and matted in over 15 years!
Still… there was this small hope whispering to me that it would like to win a place in the winners circle.
It was a small local fair and I was a bit disappointed they didn’t even have an animal display since there is a lot of ranching and farming on the island. There were the usual rides and greasy fried foods, we walked right past these. Next there was a large tent with a cheerleading exhibition of the high school and younger girls. Past this was two more large tents which held many commercial vendors selling everything from car insurance to coffee. Looking around, there didn’t seem to be much else to the fair… but where was the photo competition?
Finally we spotted where they had set up the exhibits which received judging and headed to the only solid building in the area. Inside we found vegetables, bonsai trees, various handi-crafts, orchids, and finally I noticed the photos lining the far wall. Apparently we started at the end of the display and I wasn’t too surprised to see my color photo tucked in with all the others. Under the florescent lights, high heat and humidity for the orchids, and the matting/printing troubles I’d had – frankly it only looked ok, nothing special.
We kept looking along the wall and got to the section where they had hung the winners for the expert level entries. It was about this time I began wondering if I’d missed seeing my black and white picture in with all the others – I had actually missed the color one at first so it was a good possibility. Still… maybe I would wait and see if it was hung up elsewhere, there did seem to be another group of photos on display without prize ribbons past all the winners.
Then my eyes drifted along the wall of their own accord and caught sight of a familiar looking photo – with a ribbon by it. I quickly grabbed Jeremy’s sleeve, tugging him to come with me past the expert color winners, straight to the ‘open’ division black and white winners where my photo now hung with a 3rd place ribbon!
There was an older Asian couple who were walking past just as I arrived at my photo. Looking at the gentleman, I happily exclaimed that it was my photo, right there, which won 3rd place!! He nodded and hesitantly smiled at me, so I kept up my happy exclamations until his wife caught up with us, nodded at me and said congratulations, then hurried him past us to the safer expert winner’s area. With nobody else around to brag to, I had Jeremy take my picture to remember the moment. It took a couple tries before I lost yet another goofy grin, but here is me and my 3rd place winner – “Windswept Dryad.”
After viewing the other exhibits, like the monstera and dragon fruit, we decided to be done with the fair and instead go on a small road adventure up Ioa Valley for the first time. We walked around a little at the first park we came to, opting to save the state park for another trip. All in all, it was a fun day out.
**Update! I’ve just gotten home from picking up my contest entries. Imagine my surprise when unwrapping them and finding an envelope with them that says, “Maui Camera Club congratulates you! 3rd place” and $30 tucked inside. Woo! Amazing! Even better for having had zero clue there was prize money. Definitely doing a happy dance today! 😀
Monstera fruit and leaves:
Dragon fruit still on cactus branch:
“Windswept Dryad” and ribbon:
Welcome to my poorly photographed Hawaiian lanai – aka my porch!
Good lesson to be learned here – never try for a picture during mid-morning sun. I didn’t even think about the bright sunshine lines when taking the photo, I was just excited to share my garage sale findings this morning. So on with the show!
Here is my lanai at our new apartment. On the other side of the green fabric is the main house’s lania which is used by our landlady, Gigi. It’s mostly a private area with only occasional use of the hose or trimming of the plants by the landlady sending her over this way.
As you can see, it gets a lot of nice sunshine throughout the day. We are currently growing cilantro, dill, and hot peppers – along with a pulmeria tree and several orchids. In the background are banana trees and several other native plants.
But what I really wanted to share is the stuff in the foreground of the photo – today’s garage sale finds. Gosh, these tables are hard to see with all the bright sunshine lines in the background. Anyways! You are looking at 3 tables we found at a yard sale this morning – one end table which oddly is from the same design as a kitchen table/chair set we already had, one folding plastic topped table for Jeremy to use for selling jewelry at the farmer’s market at some point soon, and one sort of coffee table that is exactly the size table we really needed right now.
There is also a three tier wire shelving unit for the kitchen, two nice table lamps with light bulbs included, a small backpack for my camera equipment on beach or hiking trips, and a set of weights to get Jeremy going on regaining his strength after so many years of illness.
You might think to yourself, wow – that’s a lot of stuff, I wonder what they paid for it? I got us a good bargain and love the negotiating part of any garage sale. Twenty dollars, for everything! I really enjoy the days I can feel like we found a good deal.
Maui is fantastic for garage sales. They run year round, every Saturday – usually several dozen on the island. We stick to a 20 minute drive radius most of the time and have found the best bargains at moving sales. When you consider people moving back to the mainland, or even a different island, can’t simply rent a truck and move their belongings – it makes for lots of good condition things at cheap prices! I love it, I really do.
It is now an hour later than in the picture and the clouds have rolled in, making for much better lighting on my lanai. I suppose I could go retake the picture… but who wants to move all those weights back again! Enjoy the sunshine!